Troubled

I'm at a loss as to what should be done. When I have made it a point to do something, others do not feel likewise. The mind is theirs, not mine, what've I got to say. It just feels injustified. But silence is apt at times. Lesson learnt : ravelling in silence helps. Period. No snowballing. At least, no mounting tensions in the surrounding environment. Within, I can't say for sure.

I don't know what's wrong but I can say I know my stuff but the results just ain't showing. This is really perturbing. Has the word "test" or "exams" resulted in idiosyncracy? Or I'm just plain stupid?

Sad to say... I've really gotta admit that I may be starting to lose confidence. Confidence in myself. Confidence in the surroundings. Confidence in future. This is rather scary. Forward looking thrusts one further. Short-sightedness tramples one.

Encompassing NYC

Watched 'The Terminal' today. Commendable show. The humour ain't an overkill, there was a dab of romance, compassion, fillial piety, etc.. so humane. A gratifying brew. Almost the entire show was set in JFK Airport.

JFK Airport looks pristine and welcoming. Hope it'll be one of the airports I'll set foot on in future. All the better if she would be my doorway to my career. If I were to be offered a respectable job in NYC, I'd prolly go. Many a time I had thought of working in that metropolis. I'd see myself living in a unit of a skyscraper, if not a high-rise apartment, overlooking the entire city. The apartment will be of full-length glass panes to capture the brilliant lights from the city below on one side, and the view of the sea where the Statue of Liberty props, on the other side. Heh... I've to be really capable secure a job there and to live in that dream apartment (it's one of my dream houses... geez affirming a piscean trait.. :p ah well) But reality has to set in ... not everyone's dreams/hopes/goals materialize. Now, I'm thinking of what Britney Spears had said in her concert, "... dare to dream..."... HMM??!!!??!?!?!??!

I've yet to have a concrete idea of what position I want in society. It's barely a year before graduation and I'm still lost. My mind is asking me to do something.. but the juices are just not working to get that message diffuse throughout me. Hm... the story of my life. I'm working on convincing myself that it's for NOW. My story has to continue... BUT with new chapters. Chapters illustrating bustling streets with signboards emblazoned which turns neon at night, instead of a draggy continuition of the current story (as some Chinese would say.. you4 chang2 you4 chou4)

A sock I dun aspire to be. I would wanna look mature into the future and yet find back elements of a stronger-willed me of the past.

Worst Things

Bad things do pop up now and then in life... but it's the worst things that are HORRID. Some of the worst things that can happen in life are:

1. You know that your wish is never going to come true. And it's supposed to be a wish that is rightfully yours.

2. A simple wish that you hope for, can't even be realized even if it's juz so simple... and it's something many get to have every day.

3. That you know something, really, should be done but you didn't/can't do it. And it bores you down.

4. That unique things (2) you loved so much are gone, never to return and slight chance of returning.

5. Simulataneous love and hate... ...

To Love or Not To Love?

Watched some HK serial about a couple of days back. It was a rather depressing last episode. This girl, A, was initially in love with her superior and had a few bfs but she still couldn't forget her superior. It wasn't until when she met a guy, B. Through the transition from the short courtship to the marriage, her love for B grew deeper. When she realised how much she loved, B, and revealed her love for B via videotape, tragedy struck.. she was killed. B loves A a lot too, although he was slightly jealous for he though A still had feelings for her superior. However, after A's death, he was simply devastated and he too learnt of A's deep love for him.

After watching the show, I felt that B's devastation was "right" for there was mutual love between both parties and they really cared for each other. I thought it was a real 'waste' that A had to die. Thinking of this makes me wonder why should one be sad when one's liking towards / love for another is not reciprocated. You didn't lose someone who loved you. You just lost someone who doesn't treasure you or can't treasure you. So is it good or bad?

My Life

The thought of leading an uneventful life, which depicts the life I'm currently having, makes me cringe. Yikes! School life's real boring... work, work and work. So much work. Can't wait to convocate nxt year. Then again, after graduating, it's time to step into society. And would I be bored down by work, once again? Leaving me to detest my black and white life?

Really envy those who can proudly claim to have had a fulfilling, eventful, exciting, etc etc life. And for some, it's a thumb's up to them for their guts to leave their stable office jobs to explore the world, do something that may not keep the money rolling in and the likes. Have all these got to do with mindsets? lifestyles? society? upbringing? education system?.. all the societal moulders or stress-ers. I want a life of adventure, discovery, accomplishments, colour, vibrance... it'll be a different world from now. A new one. But then again.. there are some things that I simply find it hard to let go. Geez!

Anyway, I do hope to discover my direction in life some time in the future and soon. Don't wanna let go of life without having enjoyed it, or even experiencing the purpose of life's existence. I wanna get a chance to shout "Cest La Vie !!! !!!" to the entire world!

Him.s.

Thus far, I've been watching Him.s' from afar.

I saw Him yesterday evening... we did not meet. I looked from above. If only things didn't turn out this way... if only. But history cannot be pre-recorded.

Another Him. So near... barely inches away at times... yet so very, very far... unreachable, till now.

A third him. Won't have thought of him but he is a relevant character. Near, really near, as compared to the prior Him but he drifted away. I could only look upon the remaining trail that has stretched far.

Lastly, Him... someone I loved and respected. Someone who could light up my days. He left. I remember fragments of the dream... he and I were in my school having a great time. However, all good things (simple activities but they really brought pure joy) had to come to an end. The last scene saw me standing at my school porch. He was out on the carpark smiling, waving to me... he was bidding his farewell (I've come to realize) and he lifted into the air... rising higher and higher. I was standing there crying. From then on... I never saw him in my dreams, not that I could recall. Think it wasn't a mere dream that I had... he was trying to tell me that he was leaving for good.

I miss my grandpa.

Atlantic City

Went to Jiahui's blog just now. Saw a photo she took with a amusement park situated at sea in the background. Think it was the amusement park I saw in a HK serial. The one I wanna go! I wanna sit on the ferris wheel and overlook the vast waters and look down on picturesque view of a amusement park situated just above the sea. Wow! Am itching at that mere thought. Meanwhile... can only get envious.

On the topic views and countries... would love to visit a number of countries in future. The list includes Spain, Venice, Italy, France, Greece, Japan, Taiwan (for their hot springs and tea in the highland areas), New York, and any other country rich in renaissance culture...