Feel It?

A want. To Leave. To Find. To Gain. To Give. A Love.

Undecided: Practical?

Went for WAT interview. Got through. The interview was nothing much too. Wondering if it was for formality's sake. : Ok... before the interview, I was bent on getting the job after all the waiting. Now, I'm still faltering. Too much responsibilities to think of. One wrong move and I may lose that job - that job which will feed my family very well. It's gonna be very competitive after graduating where vacancies are still waiting to be filled. When I go to the States... I'll be absent from this paradigm... the others will be 'fighting it out' and the good positions may be gone. With this... would I at least have a chance to be considered for an interview? Jobs may still be available.. but are they the good ones? The ones that would beneficial at the end of the day?

As the ONLY 'young one' in the family... it's not gonna be easy not to own a steel rice bowl, especially when I've experienced and seen things and the serious repercussions. I want to put an end to all that. I want an advent of brightness, a sunrise. I wanna be able to lift my head high. To signal to people that they shouldn't only look at things from one angle and should not only feel things that way. It's wrong. But then again... there are those who always get what they want even if it's wrong.

It's such a tough decision to make. Lives are at stake.

Ideals : Far from Reality?

Enthusiasm was practically oozing out of me in my prior entry when talked about WAT. But with each day count, the fire kinda diminished. Didn't douse.. some tiny voice inside still calls to me to go for it. However, like the analogy of the angel and devil trying to influence one's thots, something barricades me from the interview. :(

Visualize external arrows pointing towards my head, an arrow or so extending from my heart to my head, thought boxes encompassing my head... what do I get? Clutter head? Heh. Urgh. Situations. Tacky ones spring up now and then. The continuation to this: that's life. Fine. Accepted.

Ok. Let me state some thoughts. Are they really concrete, soulful thoughts? Or juz empty ones? Anyway, here goes :
1. Meagre pay --> can cover expenses? (Heard : juz about enough to cover.)
2. (This may be quite a lame one.. ah well) Interview is on a first come first serve basis and the interview is from 9 - 5 --> means I hv to reach Amara before 9???
3. And if I do go... don't think it's worth it queueing for a long time and not be granted an interview, esp with exams juz around the corner.
4. They're conducting the interview in groups. Would they conduct interviews for a solo interviewee?
5. What are my chances of getting accepted by the coy I fancy the most?
6. Should I get selected...The coy I'm inclined towards is located in OH.. rural place. If the environment is unfriendly.. where does that take me to??
7. It's around 2a.m at the moment.. Interview starts at 9... in abt 7 hrs time and I'm still undecided and have yet to get the necessary stuff prepared.

Shall go check out the info again.

Verdict : Till then. :)

Tortuous

Felt the desperation for being 'intact' today. My stomach hurt and my legs started to ache... and I started vomitting. The worse part about vomitting is not vomitting itself, it's after throwing up a few times and afterwhich, you're not able to dispel anything out, and ur head feels like bursting. Felt like dying in school this afternoon... ok, at least I thought I was gonna die. I really had the urge to juz sit on the toilet floor and lean against the door.. But I couldn't get past the thought of microscopic bacteria and urine stains. Life is juz so delicate, one never know what's going to happen. And here I am.. sounding like a weakling : x

It's tortuous not being able to rest when one's sick. Reason: ? -- Tight project deadlines and fast approaching exams. SighZ

Ren Nai Li Shi You Xian Du De!

I dunno if I got that chinese phrase right... but there's a threshold for certain things. Especially such tacky issues. Pls do not jump to conclusions. Do not be self-centred. Exercise what you have been taught.. if not why go for it.

Sometimes, you've gotta reflect back and think of your actions. But I guess it's not in your dictionary. Sad.

I'm starting to understand the phrase.. "zhe ge shi jie shi mei you tian li de" better. I'm starting to understand other phrases that I wonder why people would actually think of those. Now I really see the harsh realities of life... love, or the synonym close to it that are to make up for the harsh realities of workplace, bgr... HAHA!

I'm starting to see more clearly. My direction has been shaped by external forces. The forces that has turned, that has changed.

Financial Modelling

Ok... I used to think, and I still do think that Financial Modelling is a fun mod, in general. Am rather irritated by a particular valuation project. The stupid hotel (which I shan't reveal to protect my interest) is such a problematic case. My projected FCFs are all negative despite the various methods I used! Burnt half a day on that hotel... and dunno how many days for this project. And guess what.. it's only worth a few marks (given 25% for at least 4 projects).

I see the second hand ticking away as my blood drains away. A GS resume to be submitted by the 17th. Have to spend a hefty amt of time on it. She usually picks the creme of the crop... worse, a sole survivor amongst the thousands of strong competitors. I wanna join GS. Got so inspired by the recruitment talk. Personal development, opportunities for overseas training, etc etc. And I love the look of their HK office. Brilliant office, Pre-eminent firm, Great brains.

Not to forget... the fast approaching exams which I must score for. And before that.. all the tutorials which I think I have to read the text and attempt them. Shan't revert to the pre-Year 3 me. As I mentioned before, would wanna convocate next year, 2005.

Shalt get back to my project. Love and peace. :)

Living & Breathing

Am gonna live for the 'moment'.

Been contemplating for a while whether to go for the Work & Travel USA 2005 Program. Wedged between CFA and WAT. Something was pulling me back... responsibilities towards my family... to start on a serious job soon to provide for them. Had a pep talk by my aunt's bf. Most of the stuff he said were reflections of my initial thoughts... but now, I've got affirmation.. so it's hello to WAT :) Although there's no guarantee I'll be accepted.. but I'm gonna take my first move - the registration. There's a problem though... the program fee and air tix exps, etc. Have yet to tell my mom, too. And she'll tell my dad. And wonder what's the final outcome. But hullaboo, shall just submit my registration first. It's quite dumb but was on the verge of palpitating just now ... kept wondering if I missed the deadline for registration. It'd be a lost opportunity. Hah.. but am glad I can still make it! :)

It's been quite a while since I felt such excitement. Just the mere thought of being and working in US (ok.. I dunno if I'll be accepted.. but I'm still entitled to a dream.. yeah?) thrills me. Thoughts of the supermarkets (selling big bottles of pulpy orange juice.. oh manz), roller coasters, american looking streets, etc etc keeps my adrenaline pumping. Haha... shall not think further. Shalt come back to the present moment.

Remark: If the word 'gan dang' pops into your mind... don't misunderstand. Still love Singapore!

Love, Harmony & Peace

There's so much pessismism and negativity around. The world has revolutionised into a sad plight or is this just what I see. I'm not convinced that the world has become a better place to live in. Better... probably coz' of advancements in technology, fulfillment of materialistic convictions but lost are some of the fundamental issues. Respect amongst beings, care for human lives, love for the family, etc. They're not annihilated but just faded. Treacherous people, people who use the name of their religion to do harm leaves me utterly disgusted. When will the day come when people will leave in harmony and respect one another and not harm those whom they claim to love.

I wish for world peace, no more bombings and killings. For people around me to bask in happiness and love. To respect one another and be more sensitive to others. The forsaken to be cherished, once again. For every unit in the community to stay strongly bonded. And that wish. Think my wishes are too ambitious but everyone's still wishing despite the low rates of actualization of wishes.